Journal the Journey

That’s my nickname for her. We sat there at the ice cream stand, enjoying the first warm day in March after week upon week of freezing temperatures and dreary, rainy days. It was customer appreciation day: Wear your PJ’s for a free waffle cone. Dad and Mom didn’t wear theirs, but our daughters did.

She’s been my daughter for a year, and I grabbed glimpses of her as she wasn’t paying attention. She had her favorite ice cream in hand, butter pecan, and she was clothed in pretty and soft grey pajamas we got her for Christmas. She is so beautiful, and my heart swells with pride in her simply because of who she is. Her little sis, the one who has been my daughter since even before her birth 7 1/2 years ago, had picked up some chalk and was drawing in her PJs, chalk in one hand and ice cream full of her favorite – orange sherbert – in the other. I inhaled and thanked God with all of my heart for this moment.

I pick up a piece of chalk and start drawing out her name; she picks up one and starts drawing out mine. I study each stroke of mine, trying to make it as pretty as I can, thankful that she is in my life, so grateful. She does not realize that often it seems too good to be true that she is really here. I can’t remember life before her, and I don’t want to imagine life without her. I love her. I love us.

I sipped on my milkshake and anticipated what this spring and summer will be like. Beautiful days like that day really brought out the best mood in all of us it seems. We have a great beach vacation planned for June, and the thoughts of us 4 being at the beach with extended family that has loved and accepted her from day one excites me. I am hopeful the days coming upon us will be some of the best days of her life thus far. The winter has been tough, not so much because of anything we’ve been through but because of the past that tries so hard to keep her in chains, telling her lies of worthlessness, unworthiness, guilt, and ugliness. It’s hard to convince someone to see themselves the way you see them, in all their fearfully and wonderfully made beauty. Created perfectly by a King… by THE King.

That very night we sat around the dinner table, enjoying each others’ presence and laughing and having the best time. It had been such an incredible day, and I don’t know how much to credit to the weather. I know to credit every single precious moment to God. As we all laughed, surely about something Dad said, he looks at her with her glowing face, still a big smile shining bright, and he speaks. How I wish I could quote him word for word, but I cannot. He told her that it is so awesome to see how far she’s come in just a year. He brought up that when she first came into her new home, she sat in that very same seat at dinner time hunched over her plate, playing with her food and taking an occasional small, quick bite. Now here she was, sitting up straight and laughing, feeling completely at home. The utter beauty of that moment was almost too much to bear, and I struggled to keep the tears back. It was sacred, and so much love was pressing down on all of us as she smiled at her new Daddy’s words. Indeed she has come so far, and so has this family. God has molded, and continues to mold,  us into an incredible masterpiece.

She is 17. I missed out on 16 years of her life. She and I both have grieved this truth, wishing it could’ve been different. But this was God’s plan, so we trust Him. And we  thank Him for putting us into each other’s lives now rather than never.

My teenage princess, I love you. Whether you decide to ever take on our last name or not, you will always be my daughter and you are a special, wonderful, valuable, loved, important part of our family. May you consider our home your home every year of your life. I look forward to yearly out-of-town birthday trips with you, as disappointing as it was to you when it dawned on you that when you’re “old” I won’t be “old old” – I will just be “old” like you, since we are only 14 years apart. I love making memories with you. I love your requests that I come pray for you at night and your text messages with cute emojis and kind words. I love seeing you showing genuine love and concern for little sis. I love your honesty, even when we don’t see eye to eye on some things. I love you for you, not for anything you do or will become. I love your caring heart. I love, and am also slightly freaked out by, the fact you can tell when something heavy is on my mind within the first tenth of a second that you see me. There is so much I love about you and so many reasons I am grateful you are in my life. May you never ever EVER for a single moment doubt if you’re loved. Because, beautiful child, I love you more than my own life. May you find safety, assurance, and strength in that love always.

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I quickly typed out all the above the day after it happened, and held onto it because I wanted her to read and approve of me sharing it publicly before I posted it onto a blog. At the same time I wrote it, I was considering creating this blog and knew I wanted to put it on here eventually. (She read it a week ago, and gave her approval with a big hug and lots of smiles.) We had another day today that was comparable to the one above in just utter beauty and holiness, and it seemed right to post this now. It was indeed a gorgeous day weather-wise, but even more so heart-wise for all of us. Truly unforgettable, and I am about to go to bed with an overjoyed heart and a smile on my face. God has been so good to us. His love leaves me awestruck. I plan on writing out some details about it tomorrow and will eventually post it on here also when I feel the timing is perfect.

“God places the lonely in families; He sets the prisoners free and gives them joy.
But He makes the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.” – Psalm 68:6