Journal the Journey

“[A] mindset of gratitude results in God’s people experiencing more of His love, presence, and liberty.” (-posted on Facebook by International House of Prayer)

“I will give thanks to You, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all Your wonderful deeds.” (Psalm 9:1)

Almost two weeks have passed since I spent two days in the hospital because of signs of pre-term labor (3 cm dilated, 70% effaced). What started out as a routine 32 week checkup at the doctor ended up becoming the most scary and painful experience I’ve had in this pregnancy. 

Once I got transported from my doctor’s office to the labor and delivery floor, I was monitored in triage for several hours and then given a shot of brethine to stop contractions. Then after being admitted into a room I was given a shot of steroids and an IV of antibiotics, fluids, and the dreaded magnesium drip was started. “The mag drag,” I was told by a nurse it’s called. She warned me that it would make me feel like I have the flu; namely, that I would feel dizzy and like I’m burning up with fever… And I would be getting a flow of it in my IV for at least 24 hours.

I’ll go into more detail about how the rest of the day went in my next post, but for now let’s fast forward to that night. 

I couldn’t sleep, and I tried so hard to. I couldn’t get comfortable, my IV and the monitoring equipment were irritating me, and I felt very physically ill from all of the medicines. On top of feeling on fire and dizzy, I also felt like I couldn’t catch my breath and I had restless legs. But beyond the physical discomfort I also mentally and emotionally couldn’t relax enough to sleep. We were playing the wait-and-see game to find out if the medical intervention would work in stopping further dilation, and if it didn’t then our twin girls would be born via c-section within days. I didn’t feel ready, as things were still needing bought and tasks still needing done at home. I also worried about their health and wondered how long they would need NICU care. I wondered how my sweet 8 year old daughter was doing, as she had left me earlier in tears telling me that she didn’t want to leave me. I wondered if I had done something to cause this pre-term labor scare, and I felt guilty. Beyond the worries, I felt frustrated and sad. I was having a pity party within, though I tried to hide it behind a smile.

At 10:15 pm, I took a picture of the scripture my best friend Sam had written on the white board during her visit earlier that day: “Let Your unfailing love surround us Lord, for our hope is in You alone! (Psalm 33:22)” I must’ve read and re-read it fifty times, then closed my eyes and recited it to myself. I couldn’t feel His love, though I knew it was there. I wanted to put my hope in Him fully. I didn’t feel like I was fully trusting God; I knew I wasn’t, for the peace I have when I do was lacking. But I desperately wanted to. I just felt so bad in every way, yet I wanted to seek that rest I am promised by God when I come to Him in surrender. That sacred rest where love, hope, peace, joy, and every other good thing richly abound. That rest, I’ve learned, can only be found through wholehearted trust. What was I doing wrong? Why was I still trying in my own strength to get through this, still putting more trust in doctors and medicine than in Him? I was unsettled and frustrated by this battle within. 

At some point in the 2 am hour, after hours of extreme discomfort and restlessness, I read God’s Word on my Bible app and tried with all my might to fix my gaze on Jesus. He was with me, and He could relate to everything I was thinking and feeling. He was not chastising me and I wanted to cast my cares on Him, as He invites me to do in 1 Peter 5:7, because He cares for me. I couldn’t read long before I put the phone down, my dizziness intensified by the screen. I decided I would just lay there and wait for Him to answer, resigned to the fact I didn’t see sleep in my near future. I watched the clock and looked forward to daylight, knowing a doctor would be by  to check my cervix and we would get an update on what’s next.

At 3 am, I was urged by the Holy Spirit to do something. I grabbed my phone and took yet another picture of the white board, but for a different reason: I had been suddenly inspired to go on a mission to use this trial as an opportunity to seek out reasons to be grateful for it. I knew this was not something I came up with on my own, especially after the wrestling I’d been doing within all night. I wasn’t 100% confident it would work, but I felt hopeful and energized by the challenge. I jumped into action before the idea had time to lose its appeal.

On the white board was the name of my RN, Tammy. What a sweet, sweet blessing she was to me. She had to come in exactly every hour to check my lungs and reflexes, because, as good as it is for the babies in utero, the magnesium can cause some bad problems for the momma – and apparently these problems can be caught through monitoring lungs and reflexes. Because of the dizziness magnesium causes, I wasn’t allowed to walk to the bathroom even with assistance… so I got my first experience with a bed pan earlier that day. And because of the IV fluids and my intake of water and Sprite to fight a dry mouth issue, every single hour I had to ask for that bed pan. It was embarassing to me, and I hated that she had to bring it to me, adjust it under me, pull it out from under me, dump it, and change my bed padding every single time she came in the room. I know you may be thinking, “It’s part of her job,” and I tried to console myself with that truth… but I also knew she could’ve chosen to do that part of her job with an attitude, or with less patience and grace than she did. I thanked God for her and I prayed for Tammy. When she came in the 4 am hour, I let her know that. I also said I would love to pray for her more and to let me know if she had any specific requests. She smiled and thanked me. 

After snapping a picture of the white board, I turned my attention to the left. There, under the big windows that sprawl across the entire wall, was my husband sleeping on the convertible couch-bed. Thanking God for him was the easiest thing to do, for I do it often. He’s my hero and my best friend among many other things. He loves me and our daughters so very well. He had asked God for twins, and I loved seeing the amazement on his face when he found out that God said yes. He embraces the fact that God has chosen him to father three daughters. He feels honored to be entrusted to point them to Him and to set the example of what their standards should be when the boys start pursuing them (which, he would say, won’t be until they are 30!). He’s setting the bar high with the way Brielle sees, and these twins will see, him treat me. We just celebrated 13 years of marriage on the 23rd of this month, and there were a couple times in years past the enemy almost succeeded in ripping us apart in divorce. But by God’s great power and love the enemy didn’t succeed, and God’s big plans for us continue to be revealed; in this season, through the lives of two miracle babies… miraculous in that they were conceived in a marriage that by all worldly standards shouldn’t exist any more. (One day, we will publicly share that story in faith God will use it to bring hope to hopeless marriages.) Thank You God for Brett. You know the immeasurable depths of my gratitude  for him.

I then turned to my right. I took a picture of the glowing white monitor, displaying our girls’ heart rates and keeping track of contraction activity. Thank You God for the sound of those strong heartbeats. 

I looked down and took my next pictures of the three monitoring discs on my belly and the itchy straps holding them in place. They were irritating, and one of the many reasons I couldn’t fall asleep. In that moment I could’ve dwelled on how annoying they were as I had earlier in the night – but now as I stared at them I was at peace, grateful for them and grateful for the change going on in my heart and mind. Thank You God for this medical technology that allows my babies to be monitored.

My eyes shifted slightly left of my wired belly to the IV that was taped just above my wrist, pumping me with that horrid magnesium that was causing me so many issues… but was it so horrid? No, it was a blessing, for it was helping prepare my babies’ neurological systems for life outside the womb in the event of an early arrival. But, I hate needles so much, and I know I’m in good company because surely 99% of you do too. The nurse that put this IV setup in did a great job, but I have such a sensitivity to them that I am always painfully aware of its presence in my vein even after hours of it being there. The area ached and felt warm to the touch as my arm laid still beside me. But I almost felt giddy with joy as I stared at it, then I snapped a picture. God, I can’t believe I’m thanking You for this! For it is uncomfortable and I hate it and I cannot wait to have it removed. Yet, I choose to say, thank You- and for the magnesium as well. 

Then I glanced upward from my IV, where Tums and wet wipes were on my little table that rolls. I snapped pictures of each of them, for they had been a help to me. The Tums obviously helped the heartburn that had hit hard just a couple hours earlier, and those wet wipes helped me feel fresh after those hourly bedpan adventures. There is nothing too small or silly to be thankful for. God, thank You even for Tums and wet wipes.

At 3:30, I hit the shuffle button on one of my GooglePlay music playlists, closed my eyes, and leaned my head back. Even though I physically did not feel any better, my mind and heart were now at peace. Moments of gratitude had done more for me than anything else could have done during my all-nighter. As the first song played, I took note of the lyrics. It’s a short, but beautiful song: “I find that I’m safe and warm in Your loving arms; I find that I’m safe and warm in Your loving arms. You see me and You know me, and You love me through and through.” 

I have more I want to share, about the events of my second day, but this seems an appropriate stopping point for now. But before I go, can I encourage you? I know my situation and hospital stay are petty when compared to countless other situations going on, perhaps in your life but if not then definitely in the lives of others you and I know or are familiar with through social media and the news. However, comparison is something we need to avoid, because God’s Word discourages it for good reason. Comparing your situations to others who seem to have it better will result in jealousy and bitterness amongst other things, while comparing your situations to those who are going through worse can result in guilt or even a “glad it’s not me” form of pride.

So, that being said, based on my story that I’ve been given to share, I want to encourage you to try gratitude when you go through something bad, no matter how big or small. When your flesh wants you to complain, try pausing and asking God to show you something within the situation to thank Him for. When a situation causes you pain or despair, pause and be grateful. After all, nothing catches Him by surprise and all of it He plans to use for our good and His glory. Faith will either be uprooted or its roots will grow even deeper in the storms, and the choice is yours as to which happens. If for nothing else, you can thank Him for all we know He is as revealed in the Word: sovereign, always present, all powerful, good, trustworthy, merciful, compassionate, and loving, to name a few. We can look to Jesus and know we are loved, treasured, and forever cared for. Don’t let the enemy convince you otherwise. Oh God, thank You for You! Thank You for Jesus! Thank You for Your Holy Spirit!

I’ve experienced that quote at the top of this post to be true: Gratitude to God – especially in unfavorable circumstances — will cause you to experience His love, presence, and liberty in ways that you otherwise can’t. Gratitude pays you back in ways that no fleshly response can, and you will find it causes you to fix your gaze on God and the eternal instead of yourself and the temporary. 

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)

“Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” (1 Thessalonians 5:18)