Journal the Journey

Still in her purple footed pajamas, the ones with a pattern of birds, clouds, and moons all over, she climbed up onto the unopened Target brand box of diapers and stood up straight. Eyeing the ground in front of her, she then squatted her toddler legs deep and jumped off with a smile. I watched her closely, studying the dance in her eyes and the joy spilling out of that grin. As her feet hit the ground and she steadied her balance, she switched her gaze from her feet to me, sitting on the floor just a few feet away. Her covered feet shuffled my direction as her gaze stayed fixated on my face. She held out her little hand and her smile became weaker as she asked me…

“Figh, Mama?”

She asks me this a lot. She’s using this question as a way to discern which behaviors please me and which ones do not. Sometimes she comes at me with that hand out asking for a high five, even though the uneasiness in her voice makes it clear that she knows I will not be giving her that much desired high five of approval, like the time she dumped laundry detergent onto the living room floor. Other times she comes at me confidently, exclaiming “Figh, Mama!” knowing that I am going to respond in great pleasure of what she’s done.

And as has been the case a lot in my journey of raising these three beautiful daughters, God is using my own parenting adventures and interactions with my children to speak to me about Himself. It’s my hope that in sharing what He’s saying, I can further let the truth take root in my own life while also encouraging one of you reading.

Similar to how I study my girls, God is studying us as we enjoy the freedoms that come with the free will He’s given us. He could’ve made us robots that had no capacity to disobey; but without the ability to choose Him, is there an ability to truly love Him? No, there isn’t. There’s only mindless, emotionless, soulless obedience. But, sigh of relief, He does not want robots with a track record of perfect obedience. He wants sons and daughters, and all the mess that comes with us navigating how to truly behold our titles as such.

I’ve been churched my entire life. One thing that I was grossly steered wrong on was what sanctification looks like; I was led to believe that it means changing external behavior, because if I’m not good then He won’t love me. If I don’t behave, I’m not worthy of His love. It was obedience-based salvation.

As I continue to grow in my faith and over recent years have really sought genuine relationship with Him instead of blindly rule following out of fear that He won’t love me if I don’t work to be as perfect as possible, one thing I have learned is that He cares a whole lot less about my failures… and a whole lot more about my coming to Him in the wake of them.

So as my daughter asks me, “Figh, Mama?” I am being reminded that it melts His heart when I come to Him and ask Him what He thinks about what He’s just seen me think/say/do. He loves me and is faithful though, so even if I do not come to Him, He will in His perfect timing come to me and discipline me out of a heart of love and wanting to help me get better- because that’s what good parents do. (Please see Proverbs 3:12 and Hebrews 12:4-11.)

Dear reader, from a heart of love I am reminding you and myself that we are perfectly imperfect humans. We are holding wrong beliefs in our heart, we are embracing some things in our mind as true when they are actually destructive lies, we are having sin-bent thoughts and letting sin-laden words leave our lips, and we are engaging in sinful behavior… no matter how hard we work to convince ourselves otherwise.

The answer is not to overlook our brokenness and just hope for the best. The answer is not “you do you” and own it, trying to convince your conscience that you’re always right. The answer is not to try harder.

The answer is to come near to Him and earnestly ask Him what He thinks about our beliefs/thoughts/words/actions, hearts humbled and willing to be taught by Him. He promises to come near to us as we come near to Him. He promises to give us wisdom and make His will known. (Please see 1 Peter 5:6-10 and James 4:6-10 for more on this.)

When we do this, we place ourselves in win-win situation. There’s nothing like the experience of incredible peace, joy, and confidence we feel when He responds in approval or correction to the issue at hand. And do you know how He will respond when He doesn’t approve? He won’t cross His arms and look down His nose at you. He won’t shame you. He won’t turn His back on you or give you the silent treatment. No, He will respond in the most glorious, empowering, freeing of ways.

He who is Love will respond in unconditional love.

He who is Faithful will respond in unrelenting faithfulness.

He who is Truth will respond in exhilarating truth.

He who is Grace will respond in fierce grace.

He who is Compassion will respond in overwhelming compassion.

I, in my responses to my daughters when they mess up, am a flawed example of how God as my parent responds to me. A flawed example, but an example nonetheless. It’s from this awareness that I can tell you: I respond to high five requests appropriately according to the situation, but always in love- and always in gratitude that she came to me. I’m always thankful that she didn’t in defiance run away from me. And when the behavior was not high-five-worthy, her punishment as a result is a lot less severe, because she placed relationship with me over pride and avoidance.

If I, being perfectly imperfect, can respond in such love, faithfulness, truth, grace, and compassion toward my children when they come to me as they navigate and enjoy their free will… how much more can my perfectly perfect Father respond to me when I come to Him?

As Evelyn came toward me with that hand out, I didn’t wait for her to arrive at me to respond in approval. I leaned toward her, hand extended, and vocally expressed that it is OK for her to climb on and jump off that box. I gave her a big high five. Her smile was bigger than ever as she turned around and ran back to the box, her dark blonde hair bouncing on her shoulders. I looked beyond her and see that her twin sister had been watching all of this unfold. At the sight of seeing I approve, she too joined in on the fun. They were both able to even more fully and confidently enjoy the experience because they knew without a doubt that they had my approval.

Do you know what happens when you consult God in humility about the things you’re believing/doing/saying/thinking? Not only does He answer you and bless you for coming to Him and valuing His wisdom, but He also gives you opportunity to help others know His will too. Your light shines, and others benefit.

So let’s do this humbling work of coming to Him continually. Let’s allow ourselves to clumsily improve instead of cling to a false belief that we really have it all together and know everything. Let’s dismantle the lies of the enemy that we don’t need God or that God is indifferent. Let’s bring all of ourselves to Him and cultivate that relationship, knowing that He is for us, He loves us, and He will not ever, ever, ever be angry at us for coming… nor will He lead us astray.

I’m rooting for you!